Last year, I waited until after the new year to make a resolution. This year I'm going to try and be a little better about it. I took a long drive tonight and listened to an Iron and Wine album. The lyrics to "Passing Afternoon" just kept repeating over and over again in my head, so I listened to it 3 or 4 times. One line in particular really made me think...a lot.
"There are things that drift away, like our endless numbered days."
It's such a simple and obvious statement, yet I find myself forgetting the idea constantly. Thinking back on the last year, I have realized that I've thrown away a huge amount of time worrying about and trying to change/fix things that are beyond my control. I've definitely progressed from where I was a year ago, but it amazes me how much contentment and apathy can overtake me without me ever even realizing it. Before I realize it, a year is gone, and in the grand scheme of things, it's essentially wasted. For part of the year, I started to really make a change in what I was doing. I started to spend less money gambling or going to bars, and started to give more money to those that need it far more than I do. After a few months of doing this, I stopped putting thought into it. I continued to do it, but I started to lose sight of the reasons that I added this to my routine in the first place. I wanted to make a positive impact on something greater than myself. I wanted to learn to balance the life that I want with the life that I need to live to help others that need it more. It all boils down to a quote from Ghandi...
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
My days are numbered, and I've already lived a good portion of my life that I'll never get back. It's time to be proactive and put my best foot forward. It's time to live the life that I strive to live and help change someone else's life for the better along the way. This year, I will do that. I will take better care of myself while also taking better care of others. I will take time out of each day to try and have a positive impact on someone's life that needs it. I'll stop reliving the past, and start building towards the future.
Last but not least, I'll be me, and I'll learn to be happy with myself in the process.
I. WILL. CHANGE.
Good night...
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
On Letting Go...
If you follow this blog, you already know my cycle. Once every few months, I will fall into a mood where I start to get down on myself and doubt everything that I do. This past week has been that "once every few months" time for me.
It's an ongoing cycle that for some reason I can't seem to break, but somehow keep overcoming just to fall back in again. I've taken some time tonight to think about what it is that brings me out of my funk each time I fall back in. What I've decided is that each time I get like this, I end up letting go...
I don't let go in the sense that I give up on everything. I just let go of the things that cause me so much anxiety and worry. Too often in my life, I start to focus on the things around me that I have no control over. I feel like I'm writing a blog that I've already written time and time again, but it feels so different each time it happens. It's so difficult to explain what's going through my head (hell, half of the time, I don't even know).
I've seen a lot of people posting online each day of this month about one thing in their lives that they are thankful for. I realized this evening, that since the beginning of November, I've done nothing but focus on the things that I don't have. In the words of Conor Oberst, "my mind races with all my longings, but can't keep up with what I've got." While everyone around me is taking time out of each day to acknowledge what they are thankful for in their lives, I'm too damn stubborn to even pick out 1 thing that I'm thankful for in half of a month.
You may not need to read this, but the fact is, I need to write it. The only reason that I've continued to post these for everyone to read is because I've had people tell me that what I wrote helped them through the same things that I was feeling. Sometimes I lose track of what matters, and I stop trying to follow my heart. Writing is a perfect way for me to do that. Sometimes, simply stopping to type a paragraph about what I'm truly feeling will open my eyes to what is actually happening around me. It's very therapeutic.
Anyways, I try to end every blog I write by setting a goal for myself, so here it goes...
I will get back to worrying only about the things in my life that I can fix. I will stop thinking about all of the things that I don't have, and start to acknowledge the ones that I do have and actually show thanks for them. I will "let go", because life is too short to be anything but happy.
That's it for this one. Happy early Thanksgiving to me, and anybody reading...
It's an ongoing cycle that for some reason I can't seem to break, but somehow keep overcoming just to fall back in again. I've taken some time tonight to think about what it is that brings me out of my funk each time I fall back in. What I've decided is that each time I get like this, I end up letting go...
I don't let go in the sense that I give up on everything. I just let go of the things that cause me so much anxiety and worry. Too often in my life, I start to focus on the things around me that I have no control over. I feel like I'm writing a blog that I've already written time and time again, but it feels so different each time it happens. It's so difficult to explain what's going through my head (hell, half of the time, I don't even know).
I've seen a lot of people posting online each day of this month about one thing in their lives that they are thankful for. I realized this evening, that since the beginning of November, I've done nothing but focus on the things that I don't have. In the words of Conor Oberst, "my mind races with all my longings, but can't keep up with what I've got." While everyone around me is taking time out of each day to acknowledge what they are thankful for in their lives, I'm too damn stubborn to even pick out 1 thing that I'm thankful for in half of a month.
You may not need to read this, but the fact is, I need to write it. The only reason that I've continued to post these for everyone to read is because I've had people tell me that what I wrote helped them through the same things that I was feeling. Sometimes I lose track of what matters, and I stop trying to follow my heart. Writing is a perfect way for me to do that. Sometimes, simply stopping to type a paragraph about what I'm truly feeling will open my eyes to what is actually happening around me. It's very therapeutic.
Anyways, I try to end every blog I write by setting a goal for myself, so here it goes...
I will get back to worrying only about the things in my life that I can fix. I will stop thinking about all of the things that I don't have, and start to acknowledge the ones that I do have and actually show thanks for them. I will "let go", because life is too short to be anything but happy.
That's it for this one. Happy early Thanksgiving to me, and anybody reading...
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Give 'er the 'ole college try...
I've been mulling around the idea about going back to school in the back of my head for a while now. I believe that I've come to the conclusion that it's time to get the pieces together and do it. I plan on taking night courses and online courses for the spring semester so that it doesn't effect my performance at work. I want to try to accomplish this goal while balancing my full time job along with it. Plenty of people do this, why can't I?
I've decided that I want to major in Psychology and possibly a double major with Philosophy. This may not seem too logical to you, but it's 2 things that I'm interested in, and I really think it would be good for me and help me gain a little better vision of my future. I've been feeling called to do this for quite a while, and as I've mentioned in earlier posts, it's time to start taking more chances again and not playing it so safe all of the time.
People ask how I would make money in either of these 2 fields. It may take a lot of schooling, but I am the willing to give this a shot because I feel like it's something I need to do for myself.
That also opens up another can of worms. I'm going to have to be able to become quite a hermit during this time to focus and keep up with my job. You may be seeing a lot less of me, and you may see a large decline in the times that I can actually do things for entertainment.
If anybody has any advice for me, I'm all ears. Just don't get your feelings hurt when I disregard it and dive into something that I think could be great for me.
I've decided that I want to major in Psychology and possibly a double major with Philosophy. This may not seem too logical to you, but it's 2 things that I'm interested in, and I really think it would be good for me and help me gain a little better vision of my future. I've been feeling called to do this for quite a while, and as I've mentioned in earlier posts, it's time to start taking more chances again and not playing it so safe all of the time.
People ask how I would make money in either of these 2 fields. It may take a lot of schooling, but I am the willing to give this a shot because I feel like it's something I need to do for myself.
That also opens up another can of worms. I'm going to have to be able to become quite a hermit during this time to focus and keep up with my job. You may be seeing a lot less of me, and you may see a large decline in the times that I can actually do things for entertainment.
If anybody has any advice for me, I'm all ears. Just don't get your feelings hurt when I disregard it and dive into something that I think could be great for me.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Love will keep us alive...
Well, it's been a while since I updated this blog. For some reason I just really felt the urge to do so today on the way home from work, but I had no idea what to write about. I decided on one of the most important things in my life that seems to be avoided by so many people...
It started off as a joke with a few friends, but every time I hung up the phone, I started saying "I love you" just to throw people off. This went on for a while when I started noticing that people were saying it to me before I even got the chance to. Maybe they were turning the joke around on me, but it made me really start to think. It really feels good to know when you are loved. Actually, I really don't think there is any greater feeling in the world. Now, I'm not talking about the "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" kind of love, because I've yet to stumble across that yet in these 25 short years. I'm talking about the feeling you get when you know that someone is always there to support you no matter what, and the feeling of knowing that you would do whatever you can to do the same for them. That feeling can get lost very easily in this mixed up world and it's easy to feel like you have nowhere to turn, or that you're alone in your struggles. In the past few years, I've learned that I have an unbelievable number of people in my life that are willing to go out of their way to help me when I need it. My support system consists of family and the best friends that I could ever ask for. I know who I can ask to talk and who will be there when I just can't handle being by myself. Even if it comes in the form of sitting around watching tv, or going out to have a few beers. I know that I always have plenty of people that I can count on to come through.
I like to challenge myself a lot, and today I've decided to do just that. Often times "I love you" starts to become 3 words that are just forced or said out of habit without much thought. I've decided to start challenging myself to make a difference every day and proving it to those that I love through actions. Even if it's something very small, I will start doing my part to start making the lives of others just a little bit better. This may sound like the "hippie" in me showing, but if you know me well enough, you'll know that I truly don't care. I hope anyone reading this can accept the same challenge and go out of their way to make sure that someone else has a better day. You'll be amazed at the effect that it may actually have on yours.
Peace...
It started off as a joke with a few friends, but every time I hung up the phone, I started saying "I love you" just to throw people off. This went on for a while when I started noticing that people were saying it to me before I even got the chance to. Maybe they were turning the joke around on me, but it made me really start to think. It really feels good to know when you are loved. Actually, I really don't think there is any greater feeling in the world. Now, I'm not talking about the "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" kind of love, because I've yet to stumble across that yet in these 25 short years. I'm talking about the feeling you get when you know that someone is always there to support you no matter what, and the feeling of knowing that you would do whatever you can to do the same for them. That feeling can get lost very easily in this mixed up world and it's easy to feel like you have nowhere to turn, or that you're alone in your struggles. In the past few years, I've learned that I have an unbelievable number of people in my life that are willing to go out of their way to help me when I need it. My support system consists of family and the best friends that I could ever ask for. I know who I can ask to talk and who will be there when I just can't handle being by myself. Even if it comes in the form of sitting around watching tv, or going out to have a few beers. I know that I always have plenty of people that I can count on to come through.
I like to challenge myself a lot, and today I've decided to do just that. Often times "I love you" starts to become 3 words that are just forced or said out of habit without much thought. I've decided to start challenging myself to make a difference every day and proving it to those that I love through actions. Even if it's something very small, I will start doing my part to start making the lives of others just a little bit better. This may sound like the "hippie" in me showing, but if you know me well enough, you'll know that I truly don't care. I hope anyone reading this can accept the same challenge and go out of their way to make sure that someone else has a better day. You'll be amazed at the effect that it may actually have on yours.
Peace...
Monday, August 22, 2011
If you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born, then it's time to go...
I'm sure that most of you know by now that at the beginning of September, I have decided to move to Bloomington and get away from Loogootee for a little while. It's kind of bittersweet in a way, because I'm leaving a lot of good friends and people behind, but I really don't get the feeling that I belong in Loogootee at this point in my life. I'm not sure if Bloomington is the answer either, but I'm willing to give it a try. I'm majorly in need of a change in scenery, and the opportunity has come up for me to give it a chance.
I will miss being this close to my siblings/neices/nephews/parents, but I really feel like this is the right move for me considering the state that I'm in at the moment. I shifted all of my focus to my mental health a few months back, and that has worked wonders for my overall mindset and mood, but it's also put me into a sort of lull where forward motion wasn't really all that important. I need to get back on the track of figuring out what I want to do with myself, and that's not going to happen doing the same things that I've been doing for years. The drastic changes are coming, and I hope I don't lose touch with many people as a result of it.
I know it's been a while since I posted, and this one may just be telling you what you already knew, but thanks for reading. I'll make a better effort to update more frequently.
I will miss being this close to my siblings/neices/nephews/parents, but I really feel like this is the right move for me considering the state that I'm in at the moment. I shifted all of my focus to my mental health a few months back, and that has worked wonders for my overall mindset and mood, but it's also put me into a sort of lull where forward motion wasn't really all that important. I need to get back on the track of figuring out what I want to do with myself, and that's not going to happen doing the same things that I've been doing for years. The drastic changes are coming, and I hope I don't lose touch with many people as a result of it.
I know it's been a while since I posted, and this one may just be telling you what you already knew, but thanks for reading. I'll make a better effort to update more frequently.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Go Haunt Someone Else
I made a trip to Bloomington tonight to visit a few friends, and realized on the way that I hadn't listened to much Kevin Devine in a while. There are very few songwriters from our generation that can keep up lyrically with him. I've found a new favorite that is lyrically brilliant. Enjoy...
the moralist on the mountaintop
the capgun cowboy caught playin dressup
patrols his cartoon beat with his costume clothes
the damn fool with his ten ton chip
his bourgeois blues
and his heartbreak habit
slings his lightning bolts
his arrows and stones
but you could do it forever
it wont make you better
cause you wont find your mark
you could use a mirror
to see your target clearer
but bad blood hijacked your heart
but you got what you asked for
so dont even start
you're never a victim
so own what you did son
admit what you are.
dead weight in a tightrope trance
the painpill creatures stray in his wasteland
clenched teeth and a canyon he cant cross
theres me racing right along
the jukebox jester stuck on the same song
mouth full of lies a head full of holes
until i got worried
I saw the life i could lead
if i backed up off that rope
and let the ground come to me
steady under my knees
and my anger blurrin into hope
i asked for perspective
and it untied my hands
i see the relapsed way
i chose my own way
cant blame me for that
so when you're sorry
and one day you will be
i wish you all the best
i hope that you drop softly
and it dont end too badly
and your ragin' head can finally rest
and you could be honest
and rescue yourself
but ill walk my own way
ill go where you wont go
you wont put me through hell, no no.
cause now i see through you
believe what you need to
go haunt someone else
the capgun cowboy caught playin dressup
patrols his cartoon beat with his costume clothes
the damn fool with his ten ton chip
his bourgeois blues
and his heartbreak habit
slings his lightning bolts
his arrows and stones
but you could do it forever
it wont make you better
cause you wont find your mark
you could use a mirror
to see your target clearer
but bad blood hijacked your heart
but you got what you asked for
so dont even start
you're never a victim
so own what you did son
admit what you are.
dead weight in a tightrope trance
the painpill creatures stray in his wasteland
clenched teeth and a canyon he cant cross
theres me racing right along
the jukebox jester stuck on the same song
mouth full of lies a head full of holes
until i got worried
I saw the life i could lead
if i backed up off that rope
and let the ground come to me
steady under my knees
and my anger blurrin into hope
i asked for perspective
and it untied my hands
i see the relapsed way
i chose my own way
cant blame me for that
so when you're sorry
and one day you will be
i wish you all the best
i hope that you drop softly
and it dont end too badly
and your ragin' head can finally rest
and you could be honest
and rescue yourself
but ill walk my own way
ill go where you wont go
you wont put me through hell, no no.
cause now i see through you
believe what you need to
go haunt someone else
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Little Women...
I'm reaching a point in my life where I realize things that make me feel extremely old. I've watched my nieces grow up in front of my very eyes, and now Brittany and Kylie are set to graduate tomorrow night. The only point in my life when I've felt this old is when I took them both driving when they got their learner's permits. It really didn't dawn on me how quickly they were growing up until I thought about Graduation tomorrow night.
It brings back memories of waiting on Brittany to come home from the hospital, waiting on Kylie to come home to visit with her parents while they were stationed in so many different places...I remember when Brittany used to stay with us at a young age, and me and Kirk would wait by the front window waiting on Karla and Jeff's little Red Cavalier to round the corner and pull off of the highway. The trip to Mississippi to visit Krista, Mark, Kylie and Katie with trash bags full of Christmas gifts because we couldn't fit wrapped packages in the car. It really makes me step back and realize just how fast my life is moving, and how any time I waste worrying about small things is just time wasted that I'll never get back. I have so many great things in my life surrounding me, and my amazing nieces and nephews are hovering right at the top of that list.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this in the last few weeks, and it's made me appreciate the family that I have that much more. I am so proud of the women that Brittany and Kylie have both become, and I know that there is so much still waiting in the future for them both to achieve.
I can still remember handing out "It's a girl" pencils in Kindergarten....For some strange reason, I always remember that I gave one to Matt Burch, but who they went to is beside the point. The important part is how excited I was to have my nieces come into my life. I can honestly say that I still share that joy and excitement as their uncle, and that I truly couldn't ask for 2 better women in my life. I'm proud of you both, and I love you.
Best of luck in the future...
It brings back memories of waiting on Brittany to come home from the hospital, waiting on Kylie to come home to visit with her parents while they were stationed in so many different places...I remember when Brittany used to stay with us at a young age, and me and Kirk would wait by the front window waiting on Karla and Jeff's little Red Cavalier to round the corner and pull off of the highway. The trip to Mississippi to visit Krista, Mark, Kylie and Katie with trash bags full of Christmas gifts because we couldn't fit wrapped packages in the car. It really makes me step back and realize just how fast my life is moving, and how any time I waste worrying about small things is just time wasted that I'll never get back. I have so many great things in my life surrounding me, and my amazing nieces and nephews are hovering right at the top of that list.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this in the last few weeks, and it's made me appreciate the family that I have that much more. I am so proud of the women that Brittany and Kylie have both become, and I know that there is so much still waiting in the future for them both to achieve.
I can still remember handing out "It's a girl" pencils in Kindergarten....For some strange reason, I always remember that I gave one to Matt Burch, but who they went to is beside the point. The important part is how excited I was to have my nieces come into my life. I can honestly say that I still share that joy and excitement as their uncle, and that I truly couldn't ask for 2 better women in my life. I'm proud of you both, and I love you.
Best of luck in the future...
Monday, May 16, 2011
Happiness is...
What is happiness?
Happiness is a state of mind that often eludes me, but I know is constantly there for whenever I'm ready to allow it in. It's a choice that I make at the start of each and every day. I can be happy, or I can be sad. It seems so simple, yet unbelievably complex. There are so many variables involved, but still so many constants. These variables come in the form of completely random every day life occurences. The constants in the form of the things that I love enough to allow into my life on a daily basis.
What makes me happy?
I've found myself asking this question a lot lately, and there are plenty of answers. Sometimes all it takes is a simple reminder just to let me know that these things are still in my life no matter how badly things seem to be going. Just for the sake of remembering these things, I'm going to compile a list off the top of my head...
Family
Friends
Faith
Music
Analytical Thinking
Existentialism
Chance
Children
Sleeping
Driving
Living in the Present
Forgetting about the past
Charity
Helping Others
Deep Conversation
Opportunity
Ambition
Penguins
Dogs
Concerts
Text Messages
Facebook
Reading
Writing
Humor
Sports
Food
Making others smile and laugh
(Many more, but I'll stop here to save time)
Now, just for the sake of doing so, I'll make a list of all of the things that keep me from this happiness...
Depression
Anxiety
Laziness
Apathy
Fear
Regret
Time
Money
Bills
Failed Relationships
If I could choose 5 or 10 things that are currently controlling my life, most of them would come from my bottom list at the moment. The more and more I think about this, the more I realize that this is a lifestyle that I am choosing to live. I have complete control over the situation, yet I choose to focus on the negative things in my life when I have so many positive things to look at. I haven't always been this way. I used to see the good in every situation. I used to point out the positive qualities in every person while so much of society was focused on the negative.
Here is my challenge to myself...Take time out of each day to focus on the things around me that make me happy. Life seems so complex, but when it's broken down into smaller pieces, it becomes so simple. Make a choice each and every day to live a happy life. Forget about the people that don't want me in their lives for whatever reason, and instead focus on the ones who go out of their way to keep me a part of theirs. Stop dwelling on the past and live in the present. My future can be as good, or bad as I want it to be. It all depends on my everyday choices.
This is not the way I planned for this blog to go, but it's helped me to gain some perspective and think about where my focus needs to be shifted.
Thank you for reading, now I hope you can do everything in your power to challenge yourself to the same thing every day, and help others work towards finding their happiness when given the opportunity.
It was a rough day, so I felt the need to write something that may be self motivational. Sorry if you got nothing out of it :)
Happiness is a state of mind that often eludes me, but I know is constantly there for whenever I'm ready to allow it in. It's a choice that I make at the start of each and every day. I can be happy, or I can be sad. It seems so simple, yet unbelievably complex. There are so many variables involved, but still so many constants. These variables come in the form of completely random every day life occurences. The constants in the form of the things that I love enough to allow into my life on a daily basis.
What makes me happy?
I've found myself asking this question a lot lately, and there are plenty of answers. Sometimes all it takes is a simple reminder just to let me know that these things are still in my life no matter how badly things seem to be going. Just for the sake of remembering these things, I'm going to compile a list off the top of my head...
Family
Friends
Faith
Music
Analytical Thinking
Existentialism
Chance
Children
Sleeping
Driving
Living in the Present
Forgetting about the past
Charity
Helping Others
Deep Conversation
Opportunity
Ambition
Penguins
Dogs
Concerts
Text Messages
Reading
Writing
Humor
Sports
Food
Making others smile and laugh
(Many more, but I'll stop here to save time)
Now, just for the sake of doing so, I'll make a list of all of the things that keep me from this happiness...
Depression
Anxiety
Laziness
Apathy
Fear
Regret
Time
Money
Bills
Failed Relationships
If I could choose 5 or 10 things that are currently controlling my life, most of them would come from my bottom list at the moment. The more and more I think about this, the more I realize that this is a lifestyle that I am choosing to live. I have complete control over the situation, yet I choose to focus on the negative things in my life when I have so many positive things to look at. I haven't always been this way. I used to see the good in every situation. I used to point out the positive qualities in every person while so much of society was focused on the negative.
Here is my challenge to myself...Take time out of each day to focus on the things around me that make me happy. Life seems so complex, but when it's broken down into smaller pieces, it becomes so simple. Make a choice each and every day to live a happy life. Forget about the people that don't want me in their lives for whatever reason, and instead focus on the ones who go out of their way to keep me a part of theirs. Stop dwelling on the past and live in the present. My future can be as good, or bad as I want it to be. It all depends on my everyday choices.
This is not the way I planned for this blog to go, but it's helped me to gain some perspective and think about where my focus needs to be shifted.
Thank you for reading, now I hope you can do everything in your power to challenge yourself to the same thing every day, and help others work towards finding their happiness when given the opportunity.
It was a rough day, so I felt the need to write something that may be self motivational. Sorry if you got nothing out of it :)
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Glamour Kills Inspiration
I promised to keep up with this blog more, and that is what I'm attempting to do. The last couple of days I have realized that my drive to play music has all but dissappeared. My apathy has been getting the best of me lately, and I can't seem to find joy in the little things that I used to. I had a long conversation with a good friend the other night about our passions and what drives us. That's when I realized that I had put my music on the back burner lately, and that I really needed to take the time to get back to playing. Once I thought more about it, I started to wonder what made me lose the urge to play. I thought back to the last time I played a set at the Loogootee Family Restaraunt and it was a trainwreck. I was so upset with myself because I played the worst set I ever have, by far. I jokingly said afterwards that "I'll probably never play in front of people ever again." Even though that was a joke, I think subconsciously, I let myself slip into that mindset. I worried too much about how I was sounding, and not enough about why I was inspired to play music in the first place. (Hints the blog title: Glamour Kills Inspiration)
I also made a joke that night that anybody could make a request, but I probably either don't know it, or don't want to play it. I said that I was like the Indian on Joe Dirt that owns the fireworks store and only has snakes and sparklers because those are the only ones that he likes. I play the music I want to, because that's what I have to do in order to feel connected to the songs and actually feel what I am playing. I'm not playing music for other people to hear, I'm playing music because it's what I need to do to express the things I'm feeling. If you don't want to listen to that, you're not being forced to.
You're probably wondering what the point of this whole blog is, so I'll try to get to that now. The friend I was conversing with the other night was having a really hard time enjoying the thing that they love most because someone had critiqued their work and made them feel like they weren't good enough at it to continue doing it. That's when I realized that this is exactly what is happening to me with my music. I was so worried that other people might not have liked the set I played that I was having trouble playing all together. As soon as I start worrying about how I'm sounding, or what other people want to hear, I start to lose the passion to play music all together. This rings true for any given person with any given hobby that makes them happy. As soon as you start doing it for others, instead of for yourself, it loses meaning.
I read once that Andy Hull from Manchester Orchestra had a ridiculous amount of albums and EPs that he had written and just stashed away. I think the number was like 30 some finished records. He wasn't writing them for anybody else to hear, but instead was writing them for himself. This is the kind of renewed passion that I wish I could find. In the coming weeks, I'm going to begin challenging myself and learning new material as well as writing new material, because I honestly believe that the lack of artistic expression in my life is part of the reason that I've been having such a hard time with my depression lately. Playing and writing music is very therapeutic, and it used to help me get through every day. It's time to start getting back to that instead of avoiding it like I have been.
I constantly have a head full of lyrics, so I'll leave you with a few of those.
"Ambition I've found, can lead only to failure. I do not read the reviews. No, I am not singing for you." - Bright Eyes
"Tell them kids to keep coloring outside the lines, until they lose their limitations and their minds are free." - Gym Class Heroes
"One likes to believe in the freedom of music, but glittering prizes and endless compromises shatter the illusion of integrity." - Rush (One of my favorite lyrics of all time)
I also made a joke that night that anybody could make a request, but I probably either don't know it, or don't want to play it. I said that I was like the Indian on Joe Dirt that owns the fireworks store and only has snakes and sparklers because those are the only ones that he likes. I play the music I want to, because that's what I have to do in order to feel connected to the songs and actually feel what I am playing. I'm not playing music for other people to hear, I'm playing music because it's what I need to do to express the things I'm feeling. If you don't want to listen to that, you're not being forced to.
You're probably wondering what the point of this whole blog is, so I'll try to get to that now. The friend I was conversing with the other night was having a really hard time enjoying the thing that they love most because someone had critiqued their work and made them feel like they weren't good enough at it to continue doing it. That's when I realized that this is exactly what is happening to me with my music. I was so worried that other people might not have liked the set I played that I was having trouble playing all together. As soon as I start worrying about how I'm sounding, or what other people want to hear, I start to lose the passion to play music all together. This rings true for any given person with any given hobby that makes them happy. As soon as you start doing it for others, instead of for yourself, it loses meaning.
I read once that Andy Hull from Manchester Orchestra had a ridiculous amount of albums and EPs that he had written and just stashed away. I think the number was like 30 some finished records. He wasn't writing them for anybody else to hear, but instead was writing them for himself. This is the kind of renewed passion that I wish I could find. In the coming weeks, I'm going to begin challenging myself and learning new material as well as writing new material, because I honestly believe that the lack of artistic expression in my life is part of the reason that I've been having such a hard time with my depression lately. Playing and writing music is very therapeutic, and it used to help me get through every day. It's time to start getting back to that instead of avoiding it like I have been.
I constantly have a head full of lyrics, so I'll leave you with a few of those.
"Ambition I've found, can lead only to failure. I do not read the reviews. No, I am not singing for you." - Bright Eyes
"Tell them kids to keep coloring outside the lines, until they lose their limitations and their minds are free." - Gym Class Heroes
"One likes to believe in the freedom of music, but glittering prizes and endless compromises shatter the illusion of integrity." - Rush (One of my favorite lyrics of all time)
Monday, April 25, 2011
Finding Beauty in Failure
I haven't been keeping up with this blog like I had hoped I would, and lately I've been thinking a lot about changing that. In the past few months, I've had a lot of time to reflect and really think about my future. Being overly analytical has its benefits, but it can also be a blessing and a curse. I find myself constantly overthinking every aspect of my life. When I say every aspect, I mean EVERY ASPECT. Some may not see what could be so bad about that, but over the years, it has grown into a monster that has slowly started to over take the care free, happy-go-lucky person that I once was. It has gone from a bad mood here and there to full blown depression at times. It's gone from a few random thoughts about what's happening around me to all out neurosis and a constant feeling of paranoia and self-doubt. For the longest time, only my closest friends knew that anything was wrong, and even most of them had no idea. I didn't burden anyone with my problems, and I sure as hell didn't want my family and friends to know that there was even the slightest chance that I was suffering from anything. So instead of dealing with my problems head on, I created this fake person with all of these shortcomings and problems buried deep within. I continued to let all of my problems bottle up, until finally after years of waiting, the bottle erupted.
What's the point of this rambling? Hopefully I can get to that soon enough...
I've spent my entire life trying to find who I really wanted to be. I've done everything that seemed logical for any normal person to do in order to further themselves, and I failed. Now, failure may have a different definition than what most of you are thinking as you read this. Sure, I've succeeded in graduating from high school and college, and I even managed to pick up a pretty decent job along the way, but it all goes back to the original point...I have no idea who I am anymore. Most people view college as a chance to redefine themselves and change the things about them that they don't like. It just so happened that I really, really liked who I was going into college, and I truly feel like I'm worse off now that I've finished. I realize that I can only blame myself for this change and that it's not too late to change again, and that is the entire point of this blog.
Ever since I was in high school, I started on a path that I never thought I would follow. I stopped taking chances and started playing it safe. I made the choices that seemed logical at the time instead of looking at the big picture and realizing that I was missing the entire point of what I was doing. I was in college to find myself, or at least better myself from the person I was when it all started. Instead, I spent 4 years sliding by and picking up bad habits along the way. I'm not ashamed to admit my mistakes, and I'm not scared to face the person that I've become, but the first step is admitting that the person I have become is nowhere close to the person that I want to be.
The beauty in failure is that I can always revert to the same goal that I started with. No matter how many times I fail to find myself, I can always remember why I was trying in the first place and start back on track with a clean slate. No amount of money, schooling or property can help in this process. The only way I can truly get back on track is to fight off my demons, grab the bull by the horns and get back to trying to live the life that I want for myself.
I'm sorry if you feel like you've wasted your time reading this, but this has all been on my mind a lot lately, and I needed to write it. I'm not forcing anyone to read! :)
I'll be back soon...
What's the point of this rambling? Hopefully I can get to that soon enough...
I've spent my entire life trying to find who I really wanted to be. I've done everything that seemed logical for any normal person to do in order to further themselves, and I failed. Now, failure may have a different definition than what most of you are thinking as you read this. Sure, I've succeeded in graduating from high school and college, and I even managed to pick up a pretty decent job along the way, but it all goes back to the original point...I have no idea who I am anymore. Most people view college as a chance to redefine themselves and change the things about them that they don't like. It just so happened that I really, really liked who I was going into college, and I truly feel like I'm worse off now that I've finished. I realize that I can only blame myself for this change and that it's not too late to change again, and that is the entire point of this blog.
Ever since I was in high school, I started on a path that I never thought I would follow. I stopped taking chances and started playing it safe. I made the choices that seemed logical at the time instead of looking at the big picture and realizing that I was missing the entire point of what I was doing. I was in college to find myself, or at least better myself from the person I was when it all started. Instead, I spent 4 years sliding by and picking up bad habits along the way. I'm not ashamed to admit my mistakes, and I'm not scared to face the person that I've become, but the first step is admitting that the person I have become is nowhere close to the person that I want to be.
The beauty in failure is that I can always revert to the same goal that I started with. No matter how many times I fail to find myself, I can always remember why I was trying in the first place and start back on track with a clean slate. No amount of money, schooling or property can help in this process. The only way I can truly get back on track is to fight off my demons, grab the bull by the horns and get back to trying to live the life that I want for myself.
I'm sorry if you feel like you've wasted your time reading this, but this has all been on my mind a lot lately, and I needed to write it. I'm not forcing anyone to read! :)
I'll be back soon...
Sunday, January 2, 2011
She's all that I have left, and music is her name...
"What do you love about music?"
"To begin with...Everything" - Almost Famous
A friend of mine has decided to do a photo blog and upload a photo every day for a year to try and get back to doing photography for herself, and start following her passion again. This has really made me start thinking about myself, and what really makes me happy. Music has been a huge part of my life since I started playing guitar in the 8th grade. I used to love playing music, listening to music, talking about music, and more than anything, going to concerts. Lately I feel like I've really gotten away from that passion.
I hadn't come up with a New Year's resolution as of today. Me and a friend talked about it, and I knew I needed something, so here it is...
I am going to set aside time each and every day to get back to what I enjoy doing. Whether it be playing guitar, playing banjo, playing piano, listening to music just to hear the lyrics and relate it to my life, going to more concerts, watching concert DVDs, writing music, or finally reading that Warren Zevon book that I've been wanting to for a year now...Part of my day needs to be dedicated to what I truly love.
Here's to a new year, and a renewed passion for the things that we love.
"One likes to believe in the freedom of music, but glittering prizes and endless compromises shatter the illusion of integrity." - Rush
"To begin with...Everything" - Almost Famous
A friend of mine has decided to do a photo blog and upload a photo every day for a year to try and get back to doing photography for herself, and start following her passion again. This has really made me start thinking about myself, and what really makes me happy. Music has been a huge part of my life since I started playing guitar in the 8th grade. I used to love playing music, listening to music, talking about music, and more than anything, going to concerts. Lately I feel like I've really gotten away from that passion.
I hadn't come up with a New Year's resolution as of today. Me and a friend talked about it, and I knew I needed something, so here it is...
I am going to set aside time each and every day to get back to what I enjoy doing. Whether it be playing guitar, playing banjo, playing piano, listening to music just to hear the lyrics and relate it to my life, going to more concerts, watching concert DVDs, writing music, or finally reading that Warren Zevon book that I've been wanting to for a year now...Part of my day needs to be dedicated to what I truly love.
Here's to a new year, and a renewed passion for the things that we love.
"One likes to believe in the freedom of music, but glittering prizes and endless compromises shatter the illusion of integrity." - Rush
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)