It's been about a year and a half since I wrote a blog. At the time, I was at a pretty low point. I was struggling with figuring out who I was, and buried in the stress of finishing college. I went through a period of a few years where I truly wasn't myself, or I guess I should say I truly lost myself. I forgot what really mattered, and who really mattered. Blogging was my way of coping with my problems and getting them off my chest. It worked for a while, but words mean very little with no actions. I could easily point out the things I needed to do to get my life back where I wanted it to be, but I wasn't taking the necessary steps to actually do it. I guess this blog is the first entry that I've ever written because I wanted to, and not because I needed to.
"I'm helpless enough to want to get better, but I'm backwards enough not to take any steps to get there. When you realize it's a pattern and not a phase, it's what you've become and it's what you will stay, that's the ballgame." - Kevin Devine - Ballgame
I finally reached a certain point where I was afraid to fall into that pattern. I reached a point where I had to fix it, or I would fall into that pattern. It's been a slow climb, but I feel like I'm finally almost back to where I want to be mentally and emotionally. My confidence and self-image were so tarnished that it's still going to be a process to recover, but I know I'm on the right track.
In the last year and a half, I graduated college and started my first full time job. It's still strange to think that I am no longer a student after almost 17 years of schooling. It's also strange to think that I've already been at my job for almost a year. In the economy that we're in, I just feel lucky to have a steady job and income.
Another big reason for this turnaround has been the girl that I've been seeing for the last few months. For as long as I can remember, relationships have been the bane of my existance, but once I let my guard down and convinced myself that I was worth a shit, I found out what I've been missing out on for so long. It's caused a complete change of mindset and a completely new outlook on things. I'm truly glad that I found someone to convince me that I deserve to be happy and who does such a great job of making me happy. For the sake of not getting too sappy, I'm going to stop there :)
It's been a long trip back, but I really feel better than I have in a long while. I'm finally getting back to the laid-back, carefree and happy Kent that I missed. I'm still struggling with the same problems I always have. I still overthink things and overanalyze everything, no matter how small. Unfortunately, I don't know that this will ever change. That's how I am, and it's how I've always been...
Welcome back, happiness. I've missed you...
