I haven't been keeping up with this blog like I had hoped I would, and lately I've been thinking a lot about changing that. In the past few months, I've had a lot of time to reflect and really think about my future. Being overly analytical has its benefits, but it can also be a blessing and a curse. I find myself constantly overthinking every aspect of my life. When I say every aspect, I mean EVERY ASPECT. Some may not see what could be so bad about that, but over the years, it has grown into a monster that has slowly started to over take the care free, happy-go-lucky person that I once was. It has gone from a bad mood here and there to full blown depression at times. It's gone from a few random thoughts about what's happening around me to all out neurosis and a constant feeling of paranoia and self-doubt. For the longest time, only my closest friends knew that anything was wrong, and even most of them had no idea. I didn't burden anyone with my problems, and I sure as hell didn't want my family and friends to know that there was even the slightest chance that I was suffering from anything. So instead of dealing with my problems head on, I created this fake person with all of these shortcomings and problems buried deep within. I continued to let all of my problems bottle up, until finally after years of waiting, the bottle erupted.
What's the point of this rambling? Hopefully I can get to that soon enough...
I've spent my entire life trying to find who I really wanted to be. I've done everything that seemed logical for any normal person to do in order to further themselves, and I failed. Now, failure may have a different definition than what most of you are thinking as you read this. Sure, I've succeeded in graduating from high school and college, and I even managed to pick up a pretty decent job along the way, but it all goes back to the original point...I have no idea who I am anymore. Most people view college as a chance to redefine themselves and change the things about them that they don't like. It just so happened that I really, really liked who I was going into college, and I truly feel like I'm worse off now that I've finished. I realize that I can only blame myself for this change and that it's not too late to change again, and that is the entire point of this blog.
Ever since I was in high school, I started on a path that I never thought I would follow. I stopped taking chances and started playing it safe. I made the choices that seemed logical at the time instead of looking at the big picture and realizing that I was missing the entire point of what I was doing. I was in college to find myself, or at least better myself from the person I was when it all started. Instead, I spent 4 years sliding by and picking up bad habits along the way. I'm not ashamed to admit my mistakes, and I'm not scared to face the person that I've become, but the first step is admitting that the person I have become is nowhere close to the person that I want to be.
The beauty in failure is that I can always revert to the same goal that I started with. No matter how many times I fail to find myself, I can always remember why I was trying in the first place and start back on track with a clean slate. No amount of money, schooling or property can help in this process. The only way I can truly get back on track is to fight off my demons, grab the bull by the horns and get back to trying to live the life that I want for myself.
I'm sorry if you feel like you've wasted your time reading this, but this has all been on my mind a lot lately, and I needed to write it. I'm not forcing anyone to read! :)
I'll be back soon...
