Glamour Kills Inspiration

I promised to keep up with this blog more, and that is what I'm attempting to do.  The last couple of days I have realized that my drive to play music has all but dissappeared.  My apathy has been getting the best of me lately, and I can't seem to find joy in the little things that I used to.  I had a long conversation with a good friend the other night about our passions and what drives us.  That's when I realized that I had put my music on the back burner lately, and that I really needed to take the time to get back to playing.  Once I thought more about it, I started to wonder what made me lose the urge to play.  I thought back to the last time I played a set at the Loogootee Family Restaraunt and it was a trainwreck.  I was so upset with myself because I played the worst set I ever have, by far.  I jokingly said afterwards that "I'll probably never play in front of people ever again."  Even though that was a joke, I think subconsciously, I let myself slip into that mindset.  I worried too much about how I was sounding, and not enough about why I was inspired to play music in the first place.  (Hints the blog title: Glamour Kills Inspiration)

I also made a joke that night that anybody could make a request, but I probably either don't know it, or don't want to play it.  I said that I was like the Indian on Joe Dirt that owns the fireworks store and only has snakes and sparklers because those are the only ones that he likes.  I play the music I want to, because that's what I have to do in order to feel connected to the songs and actually feel what I am playing.  I'm not playing music for other people to hear, I'm playing music because it's what I need to do to express the things I'm feeling.  If you don't want to listen to that, you're not being forced to. 

You're probably wondering what the point of this whole blog is, so I'll try to get to that now.  The friend I was conversing with the other night was having a really hard time enjoying the thing that they love most because someone had critiqued their work and made them feel like they weren't good enough at it to continue doing it.  That's when I realized that this is exactly what is happening to me with my music.  I was so worried that other people might not have liked the set I played that I was having trouble playing all together.  As soon as I start worrying about how I'm sounding, or what other people want to hear, I start to lose the passion to play music all together.  This rings true for any given person with any given hobby that makes them happy.  As soon as you start doing it for others, instead of for yourself, it loses meaning. 

I read once that Andy Hull from Manchester Orchestra had a ridiculous amount of albums and EPs that he had written and just stashed away.  I think the number was like 30 some finished records.  He wasn't writing them for anybody else to hear, but instead was writing them for himself.  This is the kind of renewed passion that I wish I could find.  In the coming weeks, I'm going to begin challenging myself and learning new material as well as writing new material, because I honestly believe that the lack of artistic expression in my life is part of the reason that I've been having such a hard time with my depression lately.  Playing and writing music is very therapeutic, and it used to help me get through every day.  It's time to start getting back to that instead of avoiding it like I have been.

I constantly have a head full of lyrics, so I'll leave you with a few of those.

"Ambition I've found, can lead only to failure. I do not read the reviews. No, I am not singing for you." - Bright Eyes

"Tell them kids to keep coloring outside the lines, until they lose their limitations and their minds are free." - Gym Class Heroes

"One likes to believe in the freedom of music, but glittering prizes and endless compromises shatter the illusion of integrity." - Rush (One of my favorite lyrics of all time)