PE = mgh

I'm a black sheep by birth, a jackass by trade.
When opportunity knocks, I shoosh it away.
I spend all my time, just stayin' out late,
doin' all I can, to shame my own last name.

But I'm more than a name.
More than a fate.
More than a shot glass with another beer to chase.
I see all the time I've wasted, and every dream I've thrown away.
Now there's another life I'm after, and it's starting today.

Values are tested, morals are few.
You get what you pay for when life's all about you.
Intentions may be golden, but your actions show the truth,
and as long as you're still breathing, those reputations follow you.

But I'm more than a name.
More than a fate.
More than the perception that my life has been a waste.
And as long as I'm living, blood runnin' through my veins,
I'll be chasing my potential, no matter what gets in my way.

The Facebook Generation

I realize I haven't posted in over a year, but as in the past, I usually use a blog when I really need to write to get something off my chest.  In this case, I'm writing because I usually use my blog to document my New Year's resolution.  I had a pretty good idea of what my resolution was going to be, but that's changed in the last few weeks.

I was having a conversation with Francis Ross at work about the new Crane cell phone policy, (For those of you who do not know, no NSWC employees are allowed cell phones in their buildings starting the first of this year) when he asked me how I was handling life without my cell phone...I told him that it had actually been a relief to me so far, because I wasn't needlessly checking my phone throughout the day even when I realized that I more than likely didn't have any text messages.  This conversation soon turned to this generations reliance on technology and social networking.  

I understand it.

I've lived it.

It's convenient at times.

I don't like it.

This new age of technology has seriously hindered my ability to have a conversation and meet new people.  Even the relationships that I had developed early in my life were beginning to drift apart because we as a generation have made a decision to go away from human interaction and actual conversation, and instead carry on relationships through text messaging and facebook.  Now, maybe this hasn't happened with all of you to the extent that it has with me, but I can name numerous times where friends have argued over events that have happened on facebook, and don't know how to talk about it other than sending a few texts. It's come to the point where instead of introducing myself to someone in person, I have waited until I got home so I could add them to facebook and learn a little bit about them first.  This saddens me.  I used to be good at meeting new people. Now, unless I'm forced into meeting a new person, I'm not going to go out of my way to learn that much about them...because facebook does that for me.

So, for the sake of keeping this short, I'll get straight to my resolution.  I'm not going to give up social networking. I'm not going to get rid of my cell phone or texting plan.  What I am going to do is make a conscious effort to get back to actual real life relationships.  I'm going to make an effort to talk more and text less.  I'll try to catch up with people in person, instead of reading their facebook page to find out what's going on with them.  No more meeting up with friends at bars so that we can all sit around staring at our phones and drinking beers for a few hours.  My focus will switch to social interaction and developing real relationships, or patching the ones that I feel like I've gotten away from in the first place.  I will turn the tv, computer and phone off and just read a book every once in a while.  I will attempt to lower my reliance on technology and get back to real networking...person to person.

I challenge each one of you to do the same.  Try to remember that there is life outside of facebook and that social networks and cell phones are no substitute for the real world interactions that we need each day.

Happy New Year.  Talk to you soon.

Our Endless Numbered Days

Last year, I waited until after the new year to make a resolution.  This year I'm going to try and be a little better about it.  I took a long drive tonight and listened to an Iron and Wine album.  The lyrics to "Passing Afternoon" just kept repeating over and over again in my head, so I listened to it 3 or 4 times.  One line in particular really made me think...a lot. 

"There are things that drift away, like our endless numbered days."

It's such a simple and obvious statement, yet I find myself forgetting the idea constantly.  Thinking back on the last year, I have realized that I've thrown away a huge amount of time worrying about and trying to change/fix things that are beyond my control.  I've definitely progressed from where I was a year ago, but it amazes me how much contentment and apathy can overtake me without me ever even realizing it.  Before I realize it, a year is gone, and in the grand scheme of things, it's essentially wasted.  For part of the year, I started to really make a change in what I was doing.  I started to spend less money gambling or going to bars, and started to give more money to those that need it far more than I do.  After a few months of doing this, I stopped putting thought into it.  I continued to do it, but  I started to lose sight of the reasons that I added this to my routine in the first place.  I wanted to make a positive impact on something greater than myself.  I wanted to learn to balance the life that I want with the life that I need to live to help others that need it more.  It all boils down to a quote from Ghandi...

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

My days are numbered, and I've already lived a good portion of my life that I'll never get back.  It's time to be proactive and put my best foot forward.  It's time to live the life that I strive to live and help change someone else's life for the better along the way.  This year, I will do that.  I will take better care of myself while also taking better care of others.  I will take time out of each day to try and have a positive impact on someone's life that needs it.  I'll stop reliving the past, and start building towards the future.

Last but not least, I'll be me, and I'll learn to be happy with myself in the process.

I. WILL. CHANGE.

Good night...

On Letting Go...

If you follow this blog, you already know my cycle.  Once every few months, I will fall into a mood where I start to get down on myself and doubt everything that I do.  This past week has been that "once every few months" time for me. 

It's an ongoing cycle that for some reason I can't seem to break, but somehow keep overcoming just to fall back in again.  I've taken some time tonight to think about what it is that brings me out of my funk each time I fall back in.  What I've decided is that each time I get like this, I end up letting go...

I don't let go in the sense that I give up on everything.  I just let go of the things that cause me so much anxiety and worry.  Too often in my life, I start to focus on the things around me that I have no control over.  I feel like I'm writing a blog that I've already written time and time again, but it feels so different each time it happens.  It's so difficult to explain what's going through my head (hell, half of the time, I don't even know). 

I've seen a lot of people posting online each day of this month about one thing in their lives that they are thankful for.  I realized this evening, that since the beginning of November, I've done nothing but focus on the things that I don't have.  In the words of Conor Oberst, "my mind races with all my longings, but can't keep up with what I've got."  While everyone around me is taking time out of each day to acknowledge what they are thankful for in their lives, I'm too damn stubborn to even pick out 1 thing that I'm thankful for in half of a month. 

You may not need to read this, but the fact is, I need to write it.  The only reason that I've continued to post these for everyone to read is because I've had people tell me that what I wrote helped them through the same things that I was feeling.  Sometimes I lose track of what matters, and I stop trying to  follow my heart.  Writing is a perfect way for me to do that.  Sometimes, simply stopping to type a paragraph about what I'm truly feeling will open my eyes to what is actually happening around me.  It's very therapeutic.

Anyways, I try to end every blog I write by setting a goal for myself, so here it goes...

I will get back to worrying only about the things in my life that I can fix.  I will stop thinking about all of the things that I don't have, and start to acknowledge the ones that I do have and actually show thanks for them.  I will "let go", because life is too short to be anything but happy.

That's it for this one.  Happy early Thanksgiving to me, and anybody reading... 

Give 'er the 'ole college try...

I've been mulling around the idea about going back to school in the back of my head for a while now.  I believe that I've come to the conclusion that it's time to get the pieces together and do it.  I plan on taking night courses and online courses for the spring semester so that it doesn't effect my performance at work.  I want to try to accomplish this goal while balancing my full time job along with it.  Plenty of people do this, why can't I?

I've decided that I want to major in Psychology and possibly a double major with Philosophy.  This may not seem too logical to you, but it's 2 things that I'm interested in, and I really think it would be good for me and help me gain a little better vision of my future.  I've been feeling called to do this for quite a while, and as I've mentioned in earlier posts, it's time to start taking more chances again and not playing it so safe all of the time. 

People ask how I would make money in either of these 2 fields.  It may take a lot of schooling, but I am the willing to give this a shot because I feel like it's something I need to do for myself.

That also opens up another can of worms.  I'm going to have to be able to become quite a hermit during this time to focus and keep up with my job.  You may be seeing a lot less of me, and you may see a large decline in the times that I can actually do things for entertainment. 

If anybody has any advice for me, I'm all ears.  Just don't get your feelings hurt when I disregard it and dive into something that I think could be great for me.

Love will keep us alive...

Well, it's been a while since I updated this blog.  For some reason I just really felt the urge to do so today on the way home from work, but I had no idea what to write about.  I decided on one of the most important things in my life that seems to be avoided by so many people...

It started off as a joke with a few friends, but every time I hung up the phone, I started saying "I love you" just to throw people off.  This went on for a while when I started noticing that people were saying it to me before I even got the chance to.  Maybe they were turning the joke around on me, but it made me really start to think.  It really feels good to know when you are loved.  Actually, I really don't think there is any greater feeling in the world.  Now, I'm not talking about the "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" kind of love, because I've yet to stumble across that yet in these 25 short years.  I'm talking about the feeling you get when you know that someone is always there to support you no matter what, and the feeling of knowing that you would do whatever you can to do the same for them.  That feeling can get lost very easily in this mixed up world and it's easy to feel like you have nowhere to turn, or that you're alone in your struggles.  In the past few years, I've learned that I have an unbelievable number of people in my life that are willing to go out of their way to help me when I need it.  My support system consists of family and the best friends that I could ever ask for.  I know who I can ask to talk and who will be there when I just can't handle being by myself.  Even if it comes in the form of sitting around watching tv, or going out to have a few beers.  I know that I always have plenty of people that I can count on to come through.

I like to challenge myself a lot, and today I've decided to do just that.  Often times "I love you" starts to become 3 words that are just forced or said out of habit without much thought.  I've decided to start challenging myself to make a difference every day and proving it to those that I love through actions.  Even if it's something very small, I will start doing my part to start making the lives of others just a little bit better.  This may sound like the "hippie" in me showing, but if you know me well enough, you'll know that I truly don't care.  I hope anyone reading this can accept the same challenge and go out of their way to make sure that someone else has a better day.  You'll be amazed at the effect that it may actually have on yours.

Peace...

If you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born, then it's time to go...

I'm sure that most of you know by now that at the beginning of September, I have decided to move to Bloomington and get away from Loogootee for a little while.  It's kind of bittersweet in a way, because I'm leaving a lot of good friends and people behind, but I really don't get the feeling that I belong in Loogootee at this point in my life.  I'm not sure if Bloomington is the answer either, but I'm willing to give it a try.  I'm majorly in need of a change in scenery, and the opportunity has come up for me to give it a chance. 

I will miss being this close to my siblings/neices/nephews/parents, but I really feel like this is the right move for me considering the state that I'm in at the moment.  I shifted all of my focus to my mental health a few months back, and that has worked wonders for my overall mindset and mood, but it's also put me into a sort of lull where forward motion wasn't really all that important.  I  need to get back on the track of figuring out what I want to do with myself, and that's not going to happen doing the same things that I've been doing for years.  The drastic changes are coming, and I hope I don't lose touch with many people as a result of it. 

I know it's been a while since I posted, and this one may just be telling you what you already knew, but thanks for reading.  I'll make a better effort to update more frequently.